​Haters or Helpers?

No one likes to be wrong—and people especially don’t like to be perceived as wrong by others. But in our search for certainty, we would do well to calibrate our certainty to actual knowledge and skills, rather than mere wishful thinking.

​

​​Read the full story ⬇︎

The umpire wasn’t happy, and didn’t hesitate to let the player know how he felt. Looking up into the stands, he yelled, “You’re done!”
 
At first, the crowd didn’t realize what had just happened, because ejecting this player had never occurred to them.
 
After the umpire made a few questionable calls, the organist, Derek Dye, began playing Three Blind Mice, and the umpire, Mario Seneca, didn’t want to hear it, and threw him out of the game.[1]
                               
The organ player.
 
This wasn’t without precedent, though. In 1985, the umpire Kevin O'Connor threw organist Wilbur Snapp out of a game for playing the same song.[2]
 
Some people just don’t know how to take a little constructive criticism.
​

Haters vs Helpers
If you get the chance (and I sincerely hope you do), just ask Captain Donald Lawson.
 
On a mission to break the world record for sailing solo around the world, his sure passion has all the appearances of a man destined for success, but there is something missing.
 
“He drove himself into a corner by ignoring everyone that didn’t support him 100%,” said Rob Macfarlane, an experienced long-distance sailor who had a chance meeting with Captain Lawson at a port in Acapulco. “The moment you doubted what he could do, you were instantly shifted over into what he called haters.”[5]
 
And there are a lot of haters, including navigator Artie Means, who said it’s “obvious to myself and nearly all of the sailing community” that Captain Lawson doesn’t have the knowledge and training to handle a boat like that.
 
And then there’s sailor Ronnie Simpson, who tried to encourage Captain Lawson to shift his focus to breaking course records for a while, to give him an opportunity to level up and hone his skills.
 
All of these haters only told him what he didn’t want to hear—but there is a qualitative difference between being a “hater” and being a “helper.”
 
Haters don’t have your best interest in mind. They only care about what they stand to gain if you fail (or what they stand to lose if you succeed.)
 
Helpers, on the other hand, do have your best interest in mind. They want to see you succeed (or at the very least, they don’t want to see you fail).
 
It can sometimes be hard to tell haters and helpers apart, because both may tell you things you don’t want to hear. When this happens, you have a choice: You can choose to attribute their words to malice, to ignorance, or to reason.
 
Do they have ulterior motives? Are they inexperienced? Or does their unique lived experience offer them reasoned knowledge and skills?
 
How are we to know for certain beyond a reasonable doubt?

​Intellectual Humility
No one likes to be wrong. And people especially don’t like to be perceived as wrong by others. But in our search for certainty, we would do well to calibrate our certainty to actual knowledge and skills, rather than mere wishful thinking.
 
This calibration is what psychologists call intellectual humility—a willingness to stay curious, accept doubt, and consider the possibility we might be wrong.[6]
 
Certainty is about being right, whereas curiosity is about exploration. Beyond right or wrong, the curiosity that comes with intellectual humility helps us collect information to make informed decisions, while also making the people around you feel seen, heard, and valued.
 
And studies support this call of self-skepticism, demonstrating that people with intellectual humility are more effective decision makers, form stronger relationships, and live overall happier lives.[7]
 
As the philosopher and skeptic, Francis Bacon, reminds us: “If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and are patient in them, we shall end in certainties.”[8]
 

​A Radical Decision
To practice intellectual humility, the psychologist Daryl Van Tongeren suggests: “Whomever you meet, it’s a good idea to assume there is something to be learned from them.”[9]
 
And that’s just what Wade LeBlanc did. In 2011, he was a major league pitcher for the San Diego Padres, but after a particularly bad game against the Red Sox, he was sent back to the minor league. When a cab picked him up at Fenway to drive him to the airport, the cabbie recognized him from the game, and had a few pointers for him.
 
“You know, you’ve got some good stuff,” he started, “But I think there’s some things you should think about trying, some things that might make a difference. I don’t know, I’m not a player. Maybe something like going over your head in your windup.”
 
Wade could have been forgiven for choosing to ignore the cabbie’s suggestions. After all, the guy wasn’t even a baseball player! As Theodore Roosevelt reminds us: “It is not the critic who counts…” Rather, “...the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…”[10] But at that point, Wade was desperate, and didn’t know if he’d have another shot in the big leagues—so he made a radical decision.
 
He listened.
 
When he landed back in the minors, he tried out the cabbie’s suggestion—and it worked. The trick gave him more control of the ball and in the very next game he only allowed one run and no walks, and he continued to use this technique for the rest of his career.[11]
 
Wade could have ignored the hater, but instead chose to stay curious and assumed there was something to be learned from the helper.
 

Daring Greatly
As for Captain Lawson, for now, this is where his story ends.
 
On July 24, 2023, his sailboat, Defiant, was found capsized in the Pacific—and the Captain nowhere to be found.
 
Haters are going to hate no matter what—and they can say what they want about Captain Lawson—but as for the helpers, we know the truth: “His place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”[12]
 

​Reflection
Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?


​​Final Thoughts
This story hits home for me, because in November of 2022 I interviewed Captain Lawson on the It's the Climb Podcast, with my cohost Andrew Buerger. Captain Lawson's enthusiasm was infectious, and to know he is now lost is simply heartbreaking.


My favorite quote from the interview is highlighted at the very beginning of the episode:


"When I was nine years old, I went sailing for the first time. I felt freedom. For the first time, I realized there was a world. Why would I not try to see and meet every culture and talk to every person to talk to and share what I know and what I can do. The only way we grow as a species is when we actually try to understand each other and appreciate each other."


Captain Lawson had a beautiful reason to sail. A mission he gave his life for. You can listen to the full interview here.

​
Want More?
Jonas Cain, M.Ed. is a storyteller, magician, musician, and facilitator of fascination. Through his company, Hashtag Positivity, he assists individuals, teams, and communities in “Being Well By Living Well” to experience abiding joy. Connect with Jonas today to discuss your challenges, goals, and obstacles: [email protected]

---

REFERENCES
[1] Daytona Cubs. (2012, August 2). Umpire ejects Daytona Cubs music man Derek Dye [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/hS0GrJoBBzs

[2] The Associated Press. (2003, September 10). “Wilbur Snapp, 83, Organist Ejected by Ump.” The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/10/sports/wilbur-snapp-83-organist-ejected-by-ump.html

[3] Nietzsche, F. (1908). Human, all too human. Ernst Schmeitzner

[4] “Le doute n'est pas une état bien agréable, mais l'assurance est un état ridicule.” Voltaire. (1779, November 28). Letter to Frederick William II, Prince of Prussia.

[5] Kugiya, H. (2023, August 31). “The making of Baltimore sailor Donald Lawson and the quixotic quest that may have doomed him.” The Baltimore Banner. https://www.thebaltimorebanner.com/investigation/donald-lawson-missing-baltimore-sailor-final-months-WISUGW6Q2NBW5JOYCR53JHFBY4/

[6] Grierson, B. (2023, July 5). “The certainty trap.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202307/certainty-is-a-psychological-trap-and-its-time-to-escape

[7] Leary, M. (2021, November 3). “What does intellectual humility look like?” Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/what_does_intellectual_humility_look_like

[8] Bacon, S. (1605). The advancement of learning. P. F. Collier.

[9] Grierson, B. (2023, July 5). “The certainty trap.” Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/202307/certainty-is-a-psychological-trap-and-its-time-to-escape

[10] Roosevelt, T. (1910, April 23). Citizenship in a Republic. [Speech]. University of Paris.

[11] Brock, C. (2018, April 27). “How advice from a cab driver helped save Wade LeBlanc's career.” The Athletic. https://theathletic.com/332525/2018/04/27/how-advice-from-a-cab-driver-helped-save-wade-leblancs-career/

[12]  Roosevelt, T. (1910, April 23). Citizenship in a Republic. [Speech]. University of Paris.