Leading with Yes

You may be wrong, but you don't have to feel wrong.

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I was wrong, but she didn’t make me feel wrong. 

And even though I can’t remember what the word was, I can still remember how she made me feel.

Seen. Appreciated. Cared for.

Considering this all came about because of a mistake, that’s a mighty fine outcome!

While speaking with my friend, Andrea, I mispronounced a word, and after I said it, she gave me a look that said, “I’m not quite sure I know what you’re talking about.” So I rephrased it and she caught my drift. She then corrected the pronunciation but in the most gentle way possible:

“I can tell you’re an avid reader. Words like that we may often read but don’t often say out loud.”

That’s some high praise coming from a librarian! And certainly a far cry from how many people choose to approach similar situations—those who are quick to correct, criticize, or complain.

But that’s the thing about making people wrong: They don’t like it! And instead of being grateful, they can become resentful—preventing positive and productive connections with the people around us, while also losing the opportunity for open communication and collaboration.

This may seem like a paradox when we are coming from a place of genuine care and support for the people we have ongoing relationships with. But how we help is just as important as the desire to help—because if it’s not done with care, it just might backfire.

Leading With Yes
For example, someone might say to you: “You’re never too old to learn something new.” You might be tempted to respond with, “No! You’re wrong! You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!” But if you want to maintain connection, you might first consider the contextual truth of this statement, which can help you find an agreement to lead with.

Before criticizing, before correcting, and before complaining, you might choose curiosity by considering questions such as:

• Under what circumstance is their perspective valid?
• If I had their life experiences, might I believe or do the same things?
• What assumptions am I making that might be clouding my judgment?

Staying curious with questions like these can protect us from the temptation to lead with “No, you’re wrong…” and instead lead with the much more helpful words “Yes, and…” 

These words are helpful because yes starts from a place of agreement rather than disagreement. This is true even if you don’t agree with everything that is said or everything that is done—but there is always Alway ALWAYS something you can be in agreement with. Even if it’s to simply acknowledge: “Yes, I understand you feel this way.”

Once a connection is made, it can be confidently maintained while building off of it with the word and.

And honors the complexity that comes from multiple perspectives—and because we led with the common ground of yes rather than no, others will be more open to listening to these other perspectives, because we demonstrated that we were listening, that we heard them, and that we acknowledge their point of view.

Final Thought
The psychologist Carl Rogers once suggested: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” I would further suggest that this paradox can be extended beyond ourselves—that it is when we accept our current state of affairs as they are, it is then that we are empowered to change them.
 
Therefore, if you want to have positive and productive ongoing relationships with the people around you, consider leading with yes rather than no—and once you’re securely connected on that common ground, you can confidently use and to build from there. If you do, it just may become the epitome of preventing mischievous relationship taboos—especially if it’s not already your niche or forte.
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(Worcestershire Sauce)

Reflection
How might leading with yes affect your ability to connect with the important people in your life?

Your Next Step
As a storyteller, magician, musician, and facilitator of fascination, my mission is to help individuals, teams, and communities experience abiding joy. You can get started today by accepting your invitation to Grow with the Flow, a self-paced personal growth journey.

With Joy --
Jonas

P.S. If you’d like to work together, here’s how:

• Buy a book.
• Attend a virtual workshop.
• Join Grow with the Flow.
• Book me to speak with your group.